_NEWSLETTER_

Your television responds so beautifully to your commands, delivered by remote from across the room. Wouldn’t it be great if there were a remote to control your kid? Now there is!

The Control-a-Kid remote contains all the settings that a parent needs to keep a tiny or school-age kid in line. With just the push of a button you can get your kid to stop screaming, smoking, or sulking. You can press “Tidy Room,” “Say Thank You,” or the ever-popular center-button option, “Grow Up.” There’s a nice button to make the kids go play, too.

Do I have to tell you this doesn’t actually work? No, I didn’t think so. It’s still funny. And, on the upside, it doesn’t require batteries.

Control-a-Kid Remote, $6.99

Big, tempting containers of blueberries for sale at Wal-Mart…what could be the problem? Maybe that those blueberries might have been picked by little kids.

The problems were found by the state of Michigan, working for farms that supplied the Adkins Blue Ribbon Blueberry Co. with berries. Kids as young as age five were found working on the farms. Here’s a priceless quote on the child-labor scandal from the Independent: “The children were being put to work because their small hands are more efficient at picking the tiny fruit.” NPR says that farm checks also found hazardous sewage leaks and infestations of bugs and rodents in the migrant settlements.

Footage of the wee blueberry pickers was featured prominently on Nightline last week. Kinda makes those berries not taste so sweet.

Let’s put aside the question of whether or not you want to get the H1N1 vaccine because that is one spicy meatball, and for the time being assume you want to get it for yourself or your children. The first few flu-vaccine clinics last weekend were swamped with patients seeking the vaccine, waiting hours on line according to the San Francisco Chronicle. There will be more clinics in November, and only time will tell what the waits there will be like.

Vaccine events vary in each city; you can supposedly go to your city’s public health department website (here is a list of California health departments) for more information. Many of the sites are all but useless, with a lot of information on covering your mouth when you cough but not much about where to get the vaccine they keep advising you to get. San Francisco’s site is typical in that it tells you to call your primary care provider and ask about vaccines, but the San Franicsco health department’s swine flu Twitter feed has more up-to-date information, and SF residents can also call 311 for updates. Contra Costa’s public health department site is a welcome contrast from SF’s, with detailed info on upcoming drive-through flu clinics.

Many Walgreens, Rite Aid, and CVS MinuteClinic locations also have the H1N1 shots; call the stores nearest you to ask. Kaiser patients can phone 800-573-5811 to find out where to go get the shot. Walgreens also has dedicated flu shot clinics. Flu.gov has a ton of information and links that will panic you and make you say “Just tell me where to get the shot! Argh!” Hmm, maybe you’re better off calling your primary care physician after all.

If you have a little LEGO lover in your house and a LEGO store somewhere near you, maybe the little one’s birthday party should be there this year. For a surprisingly reasonable $125, 10 kids can invade the LEGO store for a party, which includes goody bags, invitations, thank you cards, a few LEGOs, a LEGO host wise in the ways of brick-building, and a $100 gift card (you’ll need it–typically each kid at the party builds a themed LEGO object from a kit, which you must also buy). Want to throw the same party at home? It’s $115, plus the cost of buying whatever LEGO kits you want to let them have at. Oh, and the home party kits don’t include the host, so you’ll probably have to do a lot more reading of instructions and directing the kids as they build their Pirate, Bionicle, Power Miner, or Star Wars creation.

There are LEGO stores in 21 states, but if you happen to not live near one, you can still put together your own LEGO party. The bricks are for sale in almost any toy store, and there are plenty of sellers on Etsy who make things like customized LEGO invitations, LEGO cake decorations, and party favors like T-shirts and LEGO soaps in interesting scents–”monkey farts” sure would appeal to most seven-year-old boys I know. You want to go really crazy? Commission a LEGO mosaic portrait of your child.

For more details on official LEGO parties, see lego.com.

We’ve covered the Belly Bandit before; it’s one of many cinches on the market that help suck in a postpartum belly. That’s all fine and well, but what about the flab that’s pushed above and below the cinch? That’s where the Belly Bandit’s Mother Tucker comes in, a fine-lookin’ tank that holds you in from boob to lower belly. The Mother Tucker, while not looking like grandma’s girdle, holds the girls up (assuming they’re not too big; if you’re stacked, you may still need a bra), and tightens your gut all the way down and all the way around.

A compression garment is never going to be as comfy as a stretched out T-shirt, but the Mother Tucker is bearable, made of soft knit fabric, and featuring an anti-roll bottom that stays put and doesn’t roll up to expose your flab. This is what you put on when you want to show everyone you haven’t let yourself go. You know, mostly.

Belly Bandit Mother Tucker, $69.95

Remember Fashion Plates, that ’80s toy with interchangeable plates of a woman’s top, middle, and bottom that allowed you to create different outfits? There are a whole bunch of different games out now that are essentially the same idea, but seem awfully mature for smaller girls. A bit too sexy, a bit too Bratz-ish to please many moms.

Magic Cabin’s Fairy Design Kit is just a shade sweeter. The kit comes with 130 templates of fairy hats, cloaks, shoes, hairstyles, and accessories; kids trace over them to combine, and then color them in with the 12 included color pencils or 12 watercolor pencils (the color smears into watercolor paint when wet). Add glitter (included), name your brand-new fairy, and pop her into the portfolio (included) for safekeeping.

Fairy Design Kit, $19.98

Cloying, cringe-inducing, a colossal waste of time. All of these describe a decent percentage of the children’s music making its way onto DVDs every year. The real gems have what’s called cross-generational appeal, meaning you can enjoy the songs together with your DCs. The best of this class are even iPod-worthy.

Renee and Jeremy produce the kind of music that falls into this last category. The L.A. duo’s second children’s album, C’Mon, will be released next month, and it’s the type of CD deserving of a pre-order. With their soothing vocals and an upbeat-but-relaxed, folk pop style, their music is reminiscent of Carly Simon and James Taylor of years past. You won’t mind hitting replay a few times. Packed with songs you and your brood won’t want to “skip,” standouts include It Makes You Feel Good, BFF, Rely, Share and the album’s title song. The lyrics are simple and child-friendly without being patronizing. They talk about dreaming, playing hide ‘n’ seek, being a friend, and feeling good about everyday, little accomplishments (something more of us should take to heart).

Bring it on.

C’mon is available on barnesandnoble.com. Download a free song from C’mon at reneeandjeremymusic.com.

It was the shot head ’round the world for anyone who’s done diaper duty in the past decade or so.

This past weekend, the New York Times reported that Walt Disney is offering refunds for Baby Einstein videos purchased after 2004, an action Times reporter Tamar Lewin writes, “appear[s] to be a tacit admission that they did not increase infant intellect.” Plenty of us bought these things, even before the 2004 cut-off date. (Baby Einstein was born in ‘97.) The Times referred to a 2003 study which indicated that a third of all American babies ages six months to two-years-old had at least one Baby Einstein video. Nevermind that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screen time for kids under two. In 2006, the group Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, led by director Susan Linn, went to the Federal Trade Commission to “complain about the educational claims” made by Disney and Brainy Baby. So the companies stopped using the word “educational” in connection with their marketing. Not satisfied, the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood passed along their research to a team of public health lawyers who in turn threatened a class-action lawsuit against Disney for “unfair and deceptive practices” if full refunds weren’t forthcoming.

Last month, Disney stepped up and began offering the refunds - $15.99 per video for up to four B.E. videos. In a statement on Baby Einstein’s website, the company’s general manager, Susan McLain, attacked Linn writing,”Unfortunately, with Susan Linn’s latest stunt, we cannot be silent any longer. Linn’s obvious dislike for Baby Einstein has now turned into a sensational, headline-grabbing publicity campaign that seeks to twist and spin a simple, customer satisfaction action into a false admission of guilt.”

Maybe we should stop being so obsessed with IQ and start appreciating EQ, the emotional intelligence side of the equation, which some researchers say is a far better predictor of future success.

Time. We can waste it, lose track of it and supposedly make and buy it. But even with our ability to function 24/7 and our mastery of multitasking, even as the owners of the latest and greatest electronic organizers, we can’t add more time to our days (except for next Sunday when we turn back the clocks). There’s no app for that … yet.

Enter Buy Ketchup in May and Fly at Noon: A Guide to the Best Time to Buy This, Do That and Go There. The book by veteran journalist Mark Di Vincenzo recommends ideal times to eat, travel, shop, visit the doctor and a whole lot more. Below are just a fraction of of Di Vincenzo’s “bests”:

Time to have a baby shower - Four to six weeks before the due date.

Place in the sibling order to be born - First. Research shows that firstborns spend about 3,000 more hours with their parents between the ages of four and 13 and that helps explain why many are successful later in life.

Season to be potty-trained - Summer. Fewer clothes to peel off Junior as you run him to the bathroom.

Month to get pregnant - August. Di Vincenzo admits this one is debatable but reasons that if you get pregnant in August, you won’t be pregnant during the hot summer months and you’ll be over morning sickness once holiday party season rolls around.

Day to give birth - Any day but Saturday and Sunday. Hospitals aren’t fully staffed on the weekends.

Time of day to have a prescription filled at the pharmacy - Late morning.

Time of day to buy shoes - Late afternoon when your feet are swollen.

Time to throw out make-up - After six months.

Time to apply for a passport - Fall (Get moving!). The State Department isn’t receiving as many applications.

Time of year to buy condiments - Mid-May to early June. Companies that make these products offer deep discounts then; they’re hoping you stock up on their stuff and won’t have a need to opt for a competitor’s ketchup come the height of barbecue season.

To quote Styx and Charles Dickens, “These are the best of times.”

Available at amazon.com.

Uma Thurman’s character Eliza Welch doesn’t fit the typical New York mom stereotypes. She’s not a sanctimommy (although a blogger calls her one) with a holier-than-thou attitude, organically stocked pantry and belief that chocolate is an addictive drug. Nor is she a hire-a-village (nannies, tutors, life coaches) type. And that’s refreshing.

Eliza is simply another harried parent trying to make it through the day with all the pieces of her family intact. Motherhood takes us through “a day in the life of Eliza” as the SAHM blogs, gets ready for her daughter’s birthday party, navigates playground politics, wades through her cluttered apartments and tries to find a parking spot, a few sample sale bargains and her identity. Oh, yeah - she’s also attempting to land a new writing gig to help her return to some semblance of her pre-kids self. In a nutshell, although she sports a series of beyond-horrendous moo moos, Eliza is a woman with whom many of us can identify. Thurman has some touching moments with ER alum Anthony Edwards, who plays her onscreen DH. And Minnie Driver has comedic kick as Thurman’s BFF. But the standout scene belongs to newcomer Arjun Gupta as the easy-on-the-eye, Indian messenger who delivers so much more than just an envelope (not what you’re thinking!). Spoiler alert: It’s one hell of a dance scene.

Motherhood manages to hit the high and low notes of parenting, plus many in between, sans the saccharin and nary a housekeeper in sight.

Motherhood opens today in NY, L.A., Chicago, San Francisco and Boston.