Beauty

At what age should a child be able to remove his glass eye and use the socket as a bottle-opener? When is it appropriate to plunder the neighbors, after or before family dinner? How can one turn an unassuming minivan into a pirate schooner? All these questions and more are answered in this complete Guide to Pirate Parenting, probably the only parenting guide you’ll ever read that neither has an opinion on sleep training nor time-outs.

There is advice both out-there (how to remove an octopus from your child’s hair) and strangely sensible: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to be a pirate, and he’ll steal other people’s fish for a lifetime.” There are pirate-themed nursery rhymes, checklists to chart your pirate’s developmental progress, and even suggestions for pirate-compliant discipline methods, such as smacking your teen in the head with an oar. Somehow this seems like a much more appropriate bridal-shower gift than one of Dr. Sears’ enormous tomes.

Guide to Pirate Parenting, $11.99

Most modern baby gear is cute and practical, but hardly worth holding on to.

For something more meaningful and lasting, check out the baby collection from Beekman 1802, a 200-year-old upstate New York farm turning out artisanal soaps and linens. Handmade 100-percent pure cotton swaddling cloths and bath blankets are woven by an award-winning master weaver and available in four colors inspired by historical dying techniques. An 8×8 inch washcloth is also hand-loomed and features a waffle weave for absorbency and softness. Pair it with the farm’s baby soap (a six-pack of chemical-free goat’s milk bars laced with soothing calendula to calm delicate skin) for a unique shower gift.

Heirloom-quality construction makes these linens keepers that can be passed down from generation to generation — and offers a far better legacy for your wee one than a onesie.

Available at beekman1802.com.

Now that you’re washing everyone’s clothes at home (the dry cleaner is for emergencies only), you need a simple way to give old clothes and linens a boost.

Pop Sweet Grass Farm’s Farmhouse sachet into the dryer for a lightly scented load of laundry. Each sachet (three in a bundle for $6.95) is good for about five cycles, and comes in lavender, fresh white lilac and lemon verbena. Pair it with matching fabric softener or linen spray (made with natural fragrance and essential oils) for a totally aromatherapy experience.

Make yourself at home.

Available at sweetgrassonline.com.

Yes, Valentine’s Day is commercialized and cheesy, and who has money to spend on showy displays of affection anyway?

Hugs and a few Hersey’s Kisses will certainly do the trick. But just in case you’re looking, below are a few takes on the traditional:

Jewelry
Pendants, like this opal, pink sapphire and seed pearl pin from Doyle & Doyle, are the type of jewelry investment to love now, then save for the next generation. $295 at doyledoyle.com.

Candy
To go beyond the usual Duncan Hines, NYC’s Tribeca Treats bakery will ship their pretty Hugs & Kisses Cupcake Box. Two vanilla and two chocolate cupcakes are decorated with Xs, Os and hearts, and wrapped with a pink ribbon. $9 at tribecatreats.com.

Cards
Write a lovely old-fashioned note to your sweethearts on Hello! Lucky’s hand-printed letterpress cards. The sock monkey or cuckoo-clock designs add an irreverent, modern spin. $4.50 at hellolucky.com.

Something Indulgent
For a mid-winter pick-me-up, go for the girly pink lip gloss, lip pencil and blush in the NARS Love Set. The azalea, mauve and peachy hues will help get you through this winter not-so-wonderland. $49 at sephora.com.

Babies smell good au natural (well, most of the time) — no need to interrupt that delicious powdery scent with perfumed potions.

The fragrance-free, paraben-free products from Green Elly Skincare are natural enough for newborns or babies with sensitive skin. This collection includes a full line of including bath wash, massage gel and diaper balm — all made with botanically inspired extracts, purees and essential oils. Like many boutique brands, the line was started by parents looking for safe (green) skincare for their daughter Elly, the company’s namesake.

You can thank her for your babe’s silk-smooth skin.

Visit greenelly.com.

Temperatures are dropping, which means heaters are going on full-blast. Enter dry, itchy skin.

Stuff for Sprouts has a solution, with a line of natural skincare that kids will actually want to use. Natural oils and butters work their way into creams, lotions and lip balm infused with kid-friendly scents like chocolate, jelly bean and the beach. As long they put it on their skin rather than in their mouths (that blueberry muffin smell sure is tempting), little hands and feet will soon feel smooth and soft.

Yours will too.

Available at stuff4sprouts.com.

Plucking aimlessly with a tweezer during the five spare seconds of the morning does not make for pretty eyebrows. Even your DD has noticed (”Mommy, why do you look like a Muppet?”). Vanity aside, you need help.

Maybe you don’t have 45 minutes for a professional wax, or maybe your threading guru is on maternity leave. But makeup artist Brett Freedman has developed a “to-go” package with his luxe brow and lash line, Vanitymark. The brow kit comes with essentials like powder, glaze and dual-sided tweezers (use with caution), while the lash kit’s got the necessary mascara, curler, lash primer and brush. Take a few minutes to read Freedman’s tips, and become your own pro.

We’re keeping an eye on you.

Available at vanitymark.com.

Any sort of fragrance bothers you, not to mention irritates your baby’s delicate skin. You just wish it was free — of chemicals, preservatives and side effects.

Natural beauty brand Softress has introduced SoftBaby, a blend of fresh, edible plant oils and vitamins C and E, that gently soothes the skin. The spray design is especially friendly — you may find yourself smoothing it on baby’s bottom as well as your own chapped hands during the winter ahead.

Who said nothing in life is free?

Available at softress.com.

Organic formulas may seem like the Holy Grail in infant-appropriate lotions and potions, but dermatologists are quick to point out that even the purest natural ingredient can potentially cause allergic reactions.

That’s why VMV Hypollergenics’ new Grandma Minnie Mom and Baby products make so much sense. From baby wash to boo-boo balm, the collection of sensitive skin essentials for pregnant and lactating moms and their offspring is the first to be rated VH-65, meaning they’re formulated sans all 65 known allergens identified by the North American Contact Dermatitis Group. They’re also fragrance-, paraben-, preservative, and pthalate-free, not to mention pediatrician-tested.

That’s something you and your wee ones can actually feel good about.

Available at vmvhypoallergenics.com.

Anyone who has tried to secure a hat on a newborn or slather an infant with sunscreen knows that safeguarding a baby’s delicate skin from that ball of fire in the sky is no easy feat.

Next time you feel outdoorsy, grab a Carasol Parasol. Depending on the fabric and color, these elegant brollies block 85 to 99 percent of UV rays, promising far more thorough protection for you and your baby-wearing wee one than even a wide-brimmed cap or high-number SPF. And the compact and lightweight design makes it a cinch to stash in a diaper bag.

Sure, walking around with an umbrella on a sunny day may seem a bit dorky, but with a tiny tot in tow you’ll appear not only exceptionally responsible, but more than a little cute.

Available at carasolparasols.com.