Parenting

These days, we’re frequently accused of engaging in helicopter parenting and micromanaging our DCs’ lives. As a result, we’re constantly contemplating whether to step back or step it up on the parenting front. One area where we should be doing the latter? Bullying.

High school bullying has been elevated to a whole new level thanks to social media sites such as Facebook. But socially aggressive behavior/cruelty actually begins in much younger grades. In their new book, Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-Proof Girls in the Early Grades, authors Michelle Anthony, M.A., Ph.D., and Reyna Lindert, Ph.D., assert that you can give your daughter the social tools to protect herself as early as kindergarten. The “four steps” of the book’s title refer to observing, connecting with, guiding and supporting your daughter:

Observing - Look at how your DD reacts in social situations so you’ll have a point of comparison later when “inevitable social struggle occurs.” ***Tip: Play games (board games, not mind games!) with your daughter. Playing games affords you the opportunity to gather information about how she deals with social frustration, winning and losing

Connecting - Lay the groundwork for good communication - figure out the right questions to ask, view the situation from your DD’s perspective and be an “active listener.”

Guiding - Help your daughter to identify the real issue, put the problem into perspective, and strategize and consider possible solutions. Guiding also entails helping her to understand “the dynamics of the friendship group, her place within it, how she feels about that, and how best to respond to her new knowledge.”

Supporting (to Act) - Get your daughter to the point where she has the “ability to determine her own actions.” Assist her in assessing the pros and cons of possible courses of action. The goal is for her to act from a “secure base (your relationship)” and believe in her own “personal power.” The Cliff Notes version: empowerment and self-confidence.

Little Girls Can Be Mean is packed with exercises, talking points and anecdotes to assist parents in “bully-proofing” their daughters. Take action without overstepping the boundaries into hyper-parenting territory.

Little Girls Can Be Mean will be released on August 17th. Pre-order at amazon.com.

In the parenting world, “best” and “perfect” are two words we spend far too much time obsessing over and allowing to rule our every move. But here’s a fun “best” … and it’s used, if you can believe it, in connection with Minneapolis-St. Paul.

ForbesWoman is out with its second annual list of Best Cities for Working Mothers, and the Twin Cities top the list, dethroning last year’s No. 1, NYC, which is eighth in 2010. Women’s income, cost of living, number of pediatricians, crime and spending per pupil were all factors the editors considered when ranking the top 50 cities.

Minneapolis-St. Paul beat NYC because this year editors placed a greater emphasis on women’s earnings. The Twin Cities also have the lowest violent crime rate and the second-lowest unemployment rate (6.4%). Washington, D.C, Boston, Pittsburgh and Baltimore-Towson, MD round out the top five.

No. 50? Vegas, baby.

Check out the full list at forbes.com.

It’s always nice when you can blame something on your mother …

New research from Cornell University shows that kids who sense their mother is playing favorites are more likely to be depressed in middle age. It doesn’t matter whether the child is mom’s chosen one or the black sheep. Both can be affected in a negative way if their mother consistently favors one kid over others or routinely rejects one DC. Earlier studies linked favoritism to harmful effects on mental health and behavioral problems in children, teens and young adults. But the Cornell study by gerontologist Karl Pillemer shows that these detrimental effects persist long into adulthood. Pillemer says the findings could lead to new therapies for practitioners who work with later-life families.

And for those of us with younger kids, the take-away message couldn’t be clearer.

In a recent New York Times article entitled “Teaching Work Values to Children of Wealth,” writer Paul Sullivan poses a question parents of all socioeconomic backgrounds typically ask: “How do you raise children who are productive?”

This task becomes all the more difficult for affluent parents who provide so many material comforts for their kids; it’s no secret that overindulgence can, in effect, kill the incentive for Junior to go out and earn a living like a mere mortal. Why get a job when you’ve got a safety net made by Pratesi?

The Times article focused on college-age kids. But surely this isn’t an issue that arises out of the blue as a child flirts with adulthood. It would seem that the seeds for work motivation/avoidance/indifference are planted far earlier. Kimberly Williams, Psy.D., is a pediatric neuropsychologist with the NYU Child Study Center, part of NYU Langone Medical Center. She offers these tips for raising a child who will eventually understand the value of work:

A Wealth of Diversity - Wealthy families tend to spend time with other wealthy families, so the children only see kids just like themselves. Expose your kids to diverse groups of children (and cultures) representing different races, ethnicities and socioeconomic levels. Model this behavior in your own life.

The F Factor - Frustration can be good. Children need to learn to deal with not always getting what they want, when they want it. (Life doesn’t work that way.) If kids are always rewarded immediately, frustration toleration isn’t developed. (See below)

Keeping Tech in Check - Technology has spoiled us and gotten us (and our kids) accustomed to instant gratification (instant contact, instant answers, instant rewards). Children are less inclined to weigh multiple factors to make decisions and more easily frustrated when their needs aren’t immediately met. This decreases their problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills as well as their resiliency - all skills needed for success at school, at work and in relationships. So moderate kids’ technology (computer, video game, cell phone) use, and send the message that these gadgets are privileges or for emergencies.

The Simple Life - If you start spending thousands of dollars on a child’s birthday party when they’re three or four, where do you go from there? If over-the-top becomes the norm, your children won’t ever be comfortable accepting less. When people can’t meet their expectations, they will be unreasonably disappointed. There’s nothing wrong with throwing a simple party for a young child with family, fun and cake.

Something to Talk about - Everyone loves to do wonderful things for their children, but consider the long-term values you want to instill. If you do provide something extravagant, let your child know this is an exception. Talk about how you (and your spouse) work hard to provide for the family.

I think we’ve found the new Dr. Phil.

The Idle Parent: Why Laid-back Parents Raise Happier and Healthier Kids by Tom Hodgkinson. You are hereby given permission to be idle, not lazy or irresponsible, but idle. Would you believe it’s a parenting book where the end goal also benefits you? Peace, happiness, grown-up time, help with housework, simpler days…

Tom Hodgkinson’s book, which was published in the UK last year, is now available in bookstores where parents can begin with the “Idle Parent Manifesto”:

“We reject the idea that parenting takes hard word. We pledge to leave our children alone. We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children’s lives from the moment they are born.” The Manifesto continues on with many more important if not revolutionary statements that might fill us with fear or sweet relief.

The Idle Parent joins rank with other books, movements, and parents today who are dedicated to finding a clear path out of the face paced, child-centric culture of over-parenting. Among the suggestions he provides to the fatigued and fed-up parent are:

* Get children involved in housework.
* Just say “no.”
* Gather with other parents and kids.
* Resist the demand to go to expensive theme parks and children’s shows.
* Do what makes you happy.

In his Chapter titled “The Myth of Toys” the author asserts, “And do children actually need toys? In The Jungle Book we see Mowgli happily playing with pebbles. The best games are those children play in groups without toys: that’s when you hear the laughter.” With Chapters like “Bring Back Child Labor,” “More Stuff from Wood and Junk, “ and “Good Books and Bad Books” Tom writes with experience and practicality. Tom is the Editor of the British Magazine The Idler.

Available at Amazon.com

The moment the academics give us a window, via their latest research, into the way babies think and learn, we tend to spend money. Think elaborate prenatal music systems, Baby Einstein videos, foreign language classes for infants, etc. But sometimes, instead of breaking out the plastic, it’s just nice to sit back and think about what could be going on inside your bambino’s tiny head.

This weekend’s New York Times Magazine cover story by Paul Bloom, “The Moral Life of Babies,” gives us plenty to ponder. Bloom is a psychology prof at Yale and has been involved with studies exploring, as the article’s title suggests, the moral life of babies, at the university’s Infant Cognition Center. In a nutshell, babies can appreciate good and bad behavior. In a variety of experiments, Bloom and his colleague (his wife, Karen Wynn) determined that babies preferred the “good” characters (a yellow square helping a red ball up a hill vs. a green triangle hindering the ball’s progress, a puppet rolling a ball back to his puppet playmate vs. a puppet who ran away with the ball). But Bloom says that although babies appear to have a sense of morality, they’re responding on a “gut level;” their feelings are instinctual. He writes, “Babies probably have no conscious access to moral notions, no idea why certain acts are good or bad … The babies’ experiences might be cognitively empty but emotionally intense, replete with strong feelings and desires.” Bloom says babies’ morality is primitive and only full developed with the synthesis of the cultural component - socialization (parenting!), meaning you still have a say.

Teaching right from wrong can’t simply be outsourced to biology.

April is National Financial Literacy Month, and boy could we use one. (We could probably do with a financial literacy year.) From Wall Street to Main Street, we seem to have perfected the practice of spending money we don’t have. Think massive credit card debt, the subprime mortgage mess and ensuing global fallout. Talk about your teachable moments.

Erika Miller is a correspondent with PBS’s Nightly Business Report, an Emmy-Award winning program and, by some measures, the most-watched business show in the country. Miller’s also the mother of two young boys and has a Certificate in Financial Planning. She talks to us about giving kids an allowance and raising children so they have a clue (hopefully more) when it comes to managing money.

Emerging Money - An allowance is a great way to teach children practical money management strategies. It forces Junior to balance several competing desires, which is what adults do all the time (pay mortgage vs. buy a new pair of killer shoes vs. save money for retirement).

Allocation:
Divide-and-Conquer Strategy - Apportion the allowance into thirds. Get three piggy banks or one that has different compartments. A third of the allowance can be spent, a third saved and a third set aside for charity. Translation: a portion is for immediate use, a portion for a long-term spending goal and a portion for a charity of your child’s choice. The saving part of this equation gets kids accustomed to delayed gratification. (A topic in which many of us could use a refresher course.)

Not Too Big
to Fail - What your child buys with his “long-term” money is his choice. It may break your heart to see your DC purchase something wasteful, but it’s a learning experience. Better to make mistakes now as a child.

Rational Exuberance -Miller says every once in a while you should sit down with your child to count the allowance money and figure out how much the piggy bank stash has grown. She says this helps keep up the enthusiasm and makes kids aware that the money isn’t just going into a dark void.

Seed Money - Miller advocates starting kids on an allowance when they’re five, when they can begin to understand some of the decisions and consequences regarding spending and saving. How much? One common guideline is $1 per year. Like a number of other experts, Miller doesn’t believe an allowance should be tied to chores because chores are a family responsibility, not an optional way to earn money.

Home B-School - Financial literacy is generally not a top priority in our schools. In most cases, kids learn financial skills from their parents. So you need to take an active role in enlightening your brood about money.

Show-and-Tell - Modeling good behavior is one of the best ways to teach budgeting skills. Miller says when she’s shopping with her kids, she’ll explain her thinking. (”I like these shoes, but they’re really expensive. So, I’m going to wait until they’re on sale and then come back.”) She’ll also bring her sons to the garage sales she frequents so they can learn price negotiating skills.

Options - Miller wants to instill a certain financial savviness in her kids. That means comparison shopping with them for toys on Amazon and eBay in order to teach them how to get the most bang for their buck.

Now when it comes to managing money, your kids won’t be, well, subprime.

Follow Erika Miller’s NBR blog at pbs.org.

Overbearing, nagging, controlling. These are all words we’ve come to associate with the stereotype of a Jewish mother (as well as today’s helicopter parents). But are they accurate?

Jill Zarin says it all depends on how you look at it. The Real Housewives of New York City star notes, “It’s sort of like the show … People see the same scene and walk away with a totally different impression of it,” a point she repeats throughout our interview in reference to this season’s big Jill-Bethenny drama.

Zarin is the gold standard for reality TV show casting; she’s full of personality, quick on her feet and not afraid to speak her mind. Now she’s sharing little pearls of wisdom, along with her mom, Gloria Kamen, and sis, Lisa Wexler, in the book Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Stories, Real Love. (Just in time for Mother’s Day!) Their prescription for successful parenting (friendships, dating, etc.) has a universal quality to it, so it’s not only for Jewish moms. Asked what the most important piece of advice parents can impart to their kids, Zarin answers, “I say this to my daughter a lot - We make plans and God laughs. As hard as we try, it’s not in our hands.” One of her key parenting techniques? Sitting on the bed. “No matter what’s going on in your child’s life, if you sit on their bed long enough, you’ll hear it all.”

As for the fate of Jill’s relationship with Bethenny? Zarin says, “I hope we make up. It’s never too late for me. My door is always open.”

That would definitely be worth a “mazel tov.”

Available at amazon.com.

Until parenthood, you achieved most of what you wanted to in life: degrees (yes, multiple) from an Ivy (or the equivalent), a glamorous and/or lucrative and fulfilling career, and marriage to someone with equally impressive credentials. But becoming a parent seems to have messed with that impeccable track record. The recipe for success that worked so well in other areas of our lives doesn’t necessarily bring the desired results when it comes to caring for and raising kids.

Actress, author and mom Amy Wilson knows all about that. She says sometimes her kids are happiest when she’s at her “most half-assed.” That’s pretty much the tenor of her LOL book When Did I Get Like This? The Screamer, The Worrier, The Dinosaur-Chicken-Nugget Buyer & Other Mothers I Swore I’d Never Be. Wilson admits she used to overthink every aspect of parenting, including “what [her son] should wear to school for Orange Day.” She’s since learned to relax and not fall prey to the helicopter parenting craze. Creator of the one-woman touring show Mother Load, Wilson shares some of her secrets from the trenches of imperfect parenthood:

Studying Less - You cannot prepare for parenthood. I thought you could. I tried reading every parenting book. Your theory about your own baby is better than anyone else’s.

Taking 5 - You have to unplug sometimes no matter how dedicated a mom you are. It’s okay to go to the movies with a friend who doesn’t have kids. Give yourself little tastes of the life you used to have.

Feeding Yourself - A happy mother is a fulfilled one. Whether it’s playing tennis or working, it’s okay for a mom to find something that feeds her.

Measuring up - You don’t have to be perfect at something to be worthwhile.

Less is More - Your Herculean efforts don’t get rewarded. You don’t have to try as hard as you think you do to please your children. All of this stuff you do to be a better mother is just distracting you. My kids care if I’m reading Harry Potter with them.

Work in Progress - Motherhood isn’t something you solve once. The stakes are always being upped.

Getting Over It - Your kids aren’t going to come home and say, “The snack you made for the ride home from school was great.” Your husband isn’t going to comment, “I can’t believe you organized the kids’ sock drawer so well.” It’s hard to be a good mom if all you’re doing is seeking approval for your mothering skills.

Available at amazon.com.

Imagine trying to go an entire day (in the course of your everyday life, not on vacay on some secluded island) without eyeballing any ads. You’d have to temporarily ditch your PDA, computer and TV and avoid looking at buses, taxis, streaming electronic headlines on billboards, etc. Ads lurk everywhere. And apparently Madison Avenue is quite good at getting through to even young kids.

A new study from researchers at the University of Michigan and the University of Wisconsin says preschoolers not only recognize brands but also understand them. Bettina Cornwell, a co-author of the study, said, “Before this study, research suggested that brand symbolism does not develop until age seven or eight.” In the first part of the two-part study published in Psychology & Marketing, academics found that the most commonly recognized brand by kids ages three to five was McDonald’s, followed by the brands of other fast food companies, sodas and toys. The second half of the study, which also tested kids between the ages of three and five, found that children are more likely to have “developed brand knowledge for brands primarily targeted to them.” The latest findings also indicate that kids use brand cues in making decisions about food products, and they realize that having a certain brand sends messages about the type of person they are.

Researcher Cornwell notes that the findings “highlight the need for lawmakers to continue to monitor and regulate advertising to children” and says “we need public policies that address the development of eating habits very early in a child’s life.”

Timely results given the recent launch of First Lady Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign.