Parenting

Highlights from the boards for the week of Mar 17th-23rd:

Designer Bag for Private School Tour?… (62 Replies)
Do I need a designer handbag for private school tours and interviews? What kind should i get? we are solidly middle class, no FA but only because we make too much but not enough for me to drop $700 on a handbag without feeling stupid. Is there a nice one I can get that will make be good enough that won’t cost that much?

PPD and Meds… (39 Replies)
Moms who had an unmedicated birth–did you suffer from PPD? Moms who had a C-section did you suffer from PPD? Trying to see the correlation between more intervention during birth and PPD.

Bad Relationship with Daughter Already… (17 Replies)
When youngest was born I thought she was going to be the one closest to my personality–extremely shy, attached to me as I was pathologically to my mom, well she’s 5 now and has always been a real daddy’s girl also super attached to our awesome Mary Poppins nanny, fights with me about EVERYTHING, pushes all my buttons, loves to rile me up, we have bad relationship, I’m scared about her teenage years already if she’s like this, just loves to provoke and be contrary. Is this just our dynamic? Can I change it?

Why Did You Wait to Have a Baby?… (31 Replies)
For those of you who had children at 38, 40, 42, etc. Why did you wait until these ages to have children? Not judging at all, had first dc at 38 and am pregnant with 2nd at 40.

Is Boarding School a Dereliction of Parental Responsibilities?… (45 Replies)
Who here would seriously consider boarding school? Is it a dereliction of parental responsibilities and an insane acceleration of your children leaving the nest, or is it a character building experience that turns boys and girls into men and women and gives the kids a reservoir of experience and confidence to draw on all their lives?

Miscellany

Trust Fund Kids w/o Making Them Spoiled? (55 Replies)

What Have You Learned After Having DCs? (39 Replies)

Moms of Boys Only (21 Replies)

What Age Did Your Child SLEEP IN? (73 Replies)

Highlights from the boards for the week of Feb 17th-Feb 23rd:

Was Life Better Before Kids?… (74 Replies)
Does anyone feel as though her life was a lot better before kids?

10 Yr Old Texting Boyfriend… (65 Replies)
My 10 yr old DD has a “boyfriend” in her class, they’re texting each other ” I love you”, “miss you”…I’m surprised at this especially since she’s denied even liking boys, says they’re all “so annoying”…Feel sad she doesn’t confide in me…what to do?

Teacher Chimes in on Why Kids are Bored in Class… (62 Replies)
I used to be a teacher and have taught k through 3rd grade. Parents seem to think that kids get bored in school because they are too smart for the class. I promise you, in all of my years of teaching, the brightest, most advanced kids are never the ones who are bored. They find something to be interested in and curious about no matter what is going on in the classroom. When kids complain about being bored, it is more often an issue of self control and focus, not intelligence.

Would You Choose School so DC is Big Fish in Little Pond?… (38 Replies)
Anyone deliberately enroll a very bright/advanced dc in a school that’s know for less rigorous academics, in the hopes that dc could be a big fish in a small pond?

Diversity in Education Trumps Single Sex… (53 Replies)
I truly believe diversity of all sorts enrich a students experience immensely, particularly in elementary school. That is the main reason why I dislike single sex education in elementary school.

Miscellany

Strong and Beautiful Girl’s Name (151 Replies)

UB Grammar Police (110 Replies)

Parenting Pet Peeve? (32 Replies)

Should Nanny Shovel Walkway? (15 Replies)

We’ve all wished, at one time or another, for that ever elusive infant manual; the one that clearly and successfully decodes your infants every cry, every expression, and every need. While such an oracle does not exist, Your Baby Is Speaking to You: A Visual Guide to the Amazing Behaviors of Your Newborn and Growing Baby begins to unlock the mysteries of babies’ behavior.

“No other book so beautifully captures and decodes the astonishing way babies ‘speak’ to us. A new-parent classic.” - T. Berry Brazelton, M.D.

Dr. Kevin Nugent, director of the Brazelton Institute at Children’s Hospital, Boston, created this book from his years of experience working with children and their parents. He believes that infancy is a fleeting time of subtle yet crucial communication, “A baby’s behavior is a reliable, dependable window into his mind, into his brain. Whether it is a prolonged full-blown cry, a flicker in the upper eyelids, or a full smile, it is an authentic response, one that you can trust unconditionally.”

According to Dr. Nugent, infancy is a critical touch point across the lifespan of a child’s learning and communication that is satisfying for both parent and baby can be an important code for future behavior. Parents can hone their observation skills to better understand their baby’s cues and gain confidence in themselves as parents. The book is not an advice book, as Dr. Nugent believes that the only teacher we have is the baby. The rich content is based on cutting edge research and years of evidence. Above all this book is about respecting your baby and giving him the chance to tell us who they are.

The striking photos were taken by Abelardo Morell during real-life newborn examination sessions conducted by Dr. Nugent with the babies and their parents during their first days of life and later in the home.

“The way you act toward your baby gives him an internal model, an expectation, for the way people should behave with one another. The give-and-take of your play together offers your baby a critical lived experience of respect and tolerance, of forgiveness and restoration.” Dr. Nugent

Available at Amazon.com

It’s no secret that we’re an unhealthy land and children in this country continue to suffer the consequences. In 2008 Jessica Seinfeld showed us how to hide healthy ingredients in kid-friendly foods to help boost their daily intake of key nutrients with her book Deceptively Delicious.

She has found her way back to the kitchen to provide healthy and satisfying recipes for the whole family. Double Delicious!: Good, Simple Food for Busy, Complicated Lives provides guidance and inspiration to busy families who want to make their meals both nutritional and appealing.

The book includes an aisle by aisle guide to making better decisions at the grocery store to boost the nutrients in our daily food. “When faced with hundreds of products on the supermarket shelves - many outright unhealthy and some masquerading as healthy - smart shopping becomes almost like a search-and-rescue mission.” She enlists the help of Lisa Sasson, a nutritionist in the Department of Nutrition, Food Studies, and Public Health at New York University, to develop shopping guidelines that are easy to understand.

She provides many inventive recipes including these that we can’t wait to try: Salmon Burgers, Creamy Whole-Grain Risotto, Scrambled Egg Muffins, Caesar Dressing, and Doughnut Cookies. Recipes are complete with nutritional information, estimated preparation times and nutritionist Joy Bauer contributes helpful tips throughout the book.

Start with the Chicken Cannelloni and Frozen Banana Pops, your family might actually thank you.

Available at Amazon.com

Time-outs have become perhaps the most ubiquitous form of discipline used in America, but according to Kimberley Clayton Blaine, author of The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children, they’re not only ineffective, they’re actually harmful.

“Parents give time-outs and feel good about them because at least they’re not screaming or hitting,” says Blaine. “You’re doing something negative to stop something negative.”

Even worse, small children may not even understand why they’re being physically forced to sit in a particular place. “A lot of times, a five year old doesn’t understand what you want them to do,” says Blaine. “They just know what they want to do! So you make them sit for five minutes—which is a really long time for a five year old!—and you still don’t get to the heart of the matter, which is, what’s motivating the child to behave in this way, and how can we find a more appropriate way to express what’s going on? Don’t leave them alone when they need you most!”

What to do instead? Blaine has a seven-point plan to turn showdowns into teachable, calm moments instead.

1. Get down at your child’s level. Be sure to maintain good eye contact; give a warning and ask if what she is doing is “okay” or “not okay.”

2. If your child doesn’t calm down or stop the unacceptable behavior, then lead him to a “quiet area” or “thinking area.” Sit with him and offer assistance and love. Remember, this is not a punishment. If your child could tell you what he wants to say, he might say something like “Mama, I’m out of control. Help me calm down,” says Blaine.

3. Time is not important—having your child calm down is. Disregard the “one minute times your child’s age” stance that most use as a guide. “That doesn’t take into account your child’s temperament,” advises Blaine. “A six year old might come up with a solution to a problem in just a minute, while a younger child may need a good, long time to stop crying and calm down.”

4. Once your child is calm, ask him to tell you “what’s wrong” or “what’s going on.” Restate the problem again more clearly if he has difficulty.5. Ask your child, “What will you do differently next time?” Name the expected behavior if she doesn’t know.

6. Thank your child for helping you come up with a solution. It’s important that he hears this positive reinforcement. “And you will be surprised what innovative solutions your child can come up with,” says Blaine.

7. Set the expectation for the future by wrapping up with, “If this happens again, what will happen next?” Inform your child that you will take actions to help and that you will not tolerate unacceptable behavior.

“It is our job to help children organize their internal worlds; to give them tools to deal with situations they will encounter,” sums up Blaine. “To leave them alone right when they’re the most upset, that makes no sense.”

Highlights from the boards for the week of Nov 11th-17th:

IQ Mom… (66 Replies)
Let’s have a race-neutral discussion about “intelligence” and “IQ.” Let’s endeavor to discuss — in a factual, data-driven way — the following questions: (1) What is intelligence? (2) Does there exist something known as general intelligence? (3) Are intellectual qualities like musicality, kinesthetic skills, interpersonal skills, etc. properly excludable from what we refer to as intelligence? And (4) Can our definition of “general intelligence” be measured, specifically through standardized testing that often results in an IQ score?

We Like Temp Nanny Better… (18 Replies)
My nanny of 3 yrs took a sudden 2 wk leave of absence - death of a family member. She’s been a good caretaker but there are some issues. We were understanding about the leave but had to hire a temp nanny for 2 weeks. Anyway, the temp nann is wonderful - an ideal fit in every way. I would feel so bad firing current nanny but…the kids have now been through the transition…thoughts?

Don’t Want Daughter Touched or Scanned at Airport… (58 Replies)
Wondering about the new security procedures in airports. Do they make children go thru the body scanner or get a patdown? I am not really comfortable with either for my dd and we will be flying soon. She is 14 and I don’t want anyone touching her or scanning her.

Spending Too Much Time with My Child?… (53 Replies)
A lot of feedback that I spend too much time w/ my child and that he needs to be alone sometimes. I would like honest ideas about how much time you expect your child to play alone when they are still under two years old. I made the decision to stay at home so I can help my child learn and grow during these formative years. For me, that means I read frequently to him, talk to him, sing with him and play with him. Maybe he does need to develop more independence, but how much?

Anyone Regret Quitting and SAHM?… (15 Replies)
I know it is a tough job and wondering what would you do if you had to do it all over. Thinking of quitting my job. It is a great job with great benefits (and I make more money than my husband). It is just an intense job with lots of hours and entertaining.

Backwards Red-Shirting Problem… (70 Replies)
I have sort of the opposite problem to red-shirting. My daughter misses the school cutoff by 25 days, and I can’t imagine having her wait a whole year to start school. I’m worrying about this early - she’s 1 - but she is clearly bright, has a surprisingly bright older brother, and if I can say this without sounding snotty, two very smart, grade-skipping - and Ph.D parents. Some kids you can just tell, and she’s going to be socially fine.

Miscellany

iPad apps for 1-year old? (73 Replies)

Your Biggest Regret (28 Replies)

Best Advice for First Weeks Home with Newborn… (69 Replies)

Kids with Email (14 Replies)

These days, we’re frequently accused of engaging in helicopter parenting and micromanaging our DCs’ lives. As a result, we’re constantly contemplating whether to step back or step it up on the parenting front. One area where we should be doing the latter? Bullying.

High school bullying has been elevated to a whole new level thanks to social media sites such as Facebook. But socially aggressive behavior/cruelty actually begins in much younger grades. In their new book, Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-Proof Girls in the Early Grades, authors Michelle Anthony, M.A., Ph.D., and Reyna Lindert, Ph.D., assert that you can give your daughter the social tools to protect herself as early as kindergarten. The “four steps” of the book’s title refer to observing, connecting with, guiding and supporting your daughter:

Observing - Look at how your DD reacts in social situations so you’ll have a point of comparison later when “inevitable social struggle occurs.” ***Tip: Play games (board games, not mind games!) with your daughter. Playing games affords you the opportunity to gather information about how she deals with social frustration, winning and losing

Connecting - Lay the groundwork for good communication - figure out the right questions to ask, view the situation from your DD’s perspective and be an “active listener.”

Guiding - Help your daughter to identify the real issue, put the problem into perspective, and strategize and consider possible solutions. Guiding also entails helping her to understand “the dynamics of the friendship group, her place within it, how she feels about that, and how best to respond to her new knowledge.”

Supporting (to Act) - Get your daughter to the point where she has the “ability to determine her own actions.” Assist her in assessing the pros and cons of possible courses of action. The goal is for her to act from a “secure base (your relationship)” and believe in her own “personal power.” The Cliff Notes version: empowerment and self-confidence.

Little Girls Can Be Mean is packed with exercises, talking points and anecdotes to assist parents in “bully-proofing” their daughters. Take action without overstepping the boundaries into hyper-parenting territory.

Little Girls Can Be Mean will be released on August 17th. Pre-order at amazon.com.

In the parenting world, “best” and “perfect” are two words we spend far too much time obsessing over and allowing to rule our every move. But here’s a fun “best” … and it’s used, if you can believe it, in connection with Minneapolis-St. Paul.

ForbesWoman is out with its second annual list of Best Cities for Working Mothers, and the Twin Cities top the list, dethroning last year’s No. 1, NYC, which is eighth in 2010. Women’s income, cost of living, number of pediatricians, crime and spending per pupil were all factors the editors considered when ranking the top 50 cities.

Minneapolis-St. Paul beat NYC because this year editors placed a greater emphasis on women’s earnings. The Twin Cities also have the lowest violent crime rate and the second-lowest unemployment rate (6.4%). Washington, D.C, Boston, Pittsburgh and Baltimore-Towson, MD round out the top five.

No. 50? Vegas, baby.

Check out the full list at forbes.com.

It’s always nice when you can blame something on your mother …

New research from Cornell University shows that kids who sense their mother is playing favorites are more likely to be depressed in middle age. It doesn’t matter whether the child is mom’s chosen one or the black sheep. Both can be affected in a negative way if their mother consistently favors one kid over others or routinely rejects one DC. Earlier studies linked favoritism to harmful effects on mental health and behavioral problems in children, teens and young adults. But the Cornell study by gerontologist Karl Pillemer shows that these detrimental effects persist long into adulthood. Pillemer says the findings could lead to new therapies for practitioners who work with later-life families.

And for those of us with younger kids, the take-away message couldn’t be clearer.

In a recent New York Times article entitled “Teaching Work Values to Children of Wealth,” writer Paul Sullivan poses a question parents of all socioeconomic backgrounds typically ask: “How do you raise children who are productive?”

This task becomes all the more difficult for affluent parents who provide so many material comforts for their kids; it’s no secret that overindulgence can, in effect, kill the incentive for Junior to go out and earn a living like a mere mortal. Why get a job when you’ve got a safety net made by Pratesi?

The Times article focused on college-age kids. But surely this isn’t an issue that arises out of the blue as a child flirts with adulthood. It would seem that the seeds for work motivation/avoidance/indifference are planted far earlier. Kimberly Williams, Psy.D., is a pediatric neuropsychologist with the NYU Child Study Center, part of NYU Langone Medical Center. She offers these tips for raising a child who will eventually understand the value of work:

A Wealth of Diversity - Wealthy families tend to spend time with other wealthy families, so the children only see kids just like themselves. Expose your kids to diverse groups of children (and cultures) representing different races, ethnicities and socioeconomic levels. Model this behavior in your own life.

The F Factor - Frustration can be good. Children need to learn to deal with not always getting what they want, when they want it. (Life doesn’t work that way.) If kids are always rewarded immediately, frustration toleration isn’t developed. (See below)

Keeping Tech in Check - Technology has spoiled us and gotten us (and our kids) accustomed to instant gratification (instant contact, instant answers, instant rewards). Children are less inclined to weigh multiple factors to make decisions and more easily frustrated when their needs aren’t immediately met. This decreases their problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills as well as their resiliency - all skills needed for success at school, at work and in relationships. So moderate kids’ technology (computer, video game, cell phone) use, and send the message that these gadgets are privileges or for emergencies.

The Simple Life - If you start spending thousands of dollars on a child’s birthday party when they’re three or four, where do you go from there? If over-the-top becomes the norm, your children won’t ever be comfortable accepting less. When people can’t meet their expectations, they will be unreasonably disappointed. There’s nothing wrong with throwing a simple party for a young child with family, fun and cake.

Something to Talk about - Everyone loves to do wonderful things for their children, but consider the long-term values you want to instill. If you do provide something extravagant, let your child know this is an exception. Talk about how you (and your spouse) work hard to provide for the family.

I think we’ve found the new Dr. Phil.