You can’t help but describe your in-laws with a lot of “o” words — overbearing, over-involved, overwhelming. Throw those endearing qualities into the mix once your baby is born and the postpartum chaos escalates.
UB spoke with NY-area psychotherapist and parenting coach Tammy Gold about tips for preemptively (and politely) clamping down on the in-laws before bringing baby home from the hospital:
- During the pregnancy, or soon thereafter, design as a couple a “parental plan” and “parental philosophy” to navigate the postpartum period and beyond. The plan covers who is going to do what when (night feedings, grocery shopping, greeting visitors). The philosophy deals with all the emotional stuff such as family issues and house rules.
- Respectfully communicate your rules on everything from naps and pacifiers to bottle feedings to your in-laws. Perhaps even give them a written list.
- Be clear about when they’ll visit, whether they’ll bunk in your 700-square-foot apartment and what they’ll be doing (caring for the baby? running errands?).
- Outline your philosophy on baby presents and the fact that you don’t want weekly deliveries from FAO.
- Get on the same page regarding the bris/baby naming/christening and your preferences for the size and tone of the event.
- Have a response ready for any unsolicited (translation: undermining) parenting advice they may hurl your way. Verbalize your opinion and explain that you’re trying to figure out things on your own.
- Decide on a secret password to use with your sig-o when you want to bid adieu to your in-laws (or any other guests overstaying their welcome).
We told you so.
For more information, visit goldparentcoaching.com.
Are you freakin kiddin me? I am only 45 and the mother of 3 and grandma to 3, if my childen ever treated me this way such as lists or run errands vs holding my granchilren I would smack them!
July 1st, 2008 at 12:55 pmWho comes up with this crap? My parents are great to my kids and would walk through fire for them and I will do the same for mine. Yes child rearing/names/religion are up to the parents. But it seems this method keeps the grandparents at arms length, something I would never do to you kids or grandkids. I have to ask do these rule work both ways, such as no way will my grandchild throw tantrums in my house or get away with back talk? Seriously leave family to be just that FAMILY and leave the planning to your 401k!
I totally disagree with comment above. Obviously, how a new family (new mom, new dad, new baby) chooses/needs to deal with now extended family highly depends on how involved the grandparents want to be. In the case above, the mother/grandmother feels taht child rearing/names/religion are up to the parents–we all have to be compassionate and non-judgmental and realize that not all families feel this way.
Comment on July 1st is a liberal way of thinking for today’s contemporary families. In my experience, some grandparents are much more set in their ways–with fears and superstitions about child rearing/naming/and religion that can really impose on a newly married couple and wreak havoc to a family just blessed with a new baby if these intrusive behaviors are not nipped in the bud. Consider yourself lucky if you do not need to set down the guidelines suggested by this article–because in your case, it does not apply to you; but there are many people out there that need this kind of advice and support.
July 1st, 2008 at 5:09 pmI also disagree with the first comment. All in-laws are different and many need this kind of role to play because they want so much to help. It’s not saying that they wouldn’t ‘walk through fire for them’ at all. I don’t think they quite understood this article.
July 1st, 2008 at 5:25 pmI think Gold’s key point is that parents have to anticipate and discuss potential problems in advance - because there’s no time to do it once baby arrives! I wish I’d read this before the birth of our son. Instead, we vaguely asked our parents to hold off on visiting until we’d been home a few days, and ended up with my in-laws camped out in my hospital room. Better to risk insulting the grandparents than to start out on the long and exhausting road of parenting a newborn annoyed with your partner.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:31 pmwow, i feel sorry for the daughter and or son in-law of the first person who commented. you sound like you have some major self entitlement issues. grandparents are extended family, not immediate family.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:25 amYou know, when you have NORMAL relationships and are respectful of your children’s role as adult/spouse/parent, these things might not be necessary. Unfortunately… in my personal experience, some new grandparents make the experience of childbirth all about them and show little regard for the new mother or the newborn. Boundaries help… it’s good to set them ahead of time.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:49 amMy mom-in-law expects us to name a daughter after her, if we have one, because all of her granddaughters have her name as their middle name. My own mom has no one named after her yet.
October 24th, 2008 at 6:47 pmReligion-mom-in-law expects us to go to her church.
Mom-in-law also makes comments like “did you really go to work today?”…inferring I would go somewhere else.
Need I say more?
The first sentence of the first paragraph….speaks for itself. It is not only a sense of entitlement but a true sense of ignorance. It is with out a doubt a self destructive relationship with both children/grandchildren and they will someday soon grow to resent her and unfortunately the relationships will be unable to recover.
December 26th, 2008 at 1:35 am